The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose (软管）the past 2 years!"

Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident,and I'm afraid we had to amputate （切除）both your feet just above the ankle."

"Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"

"The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants.

At age 12, success is having friends.

At age 20, success is having sex.

At age 35, success is making money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing your pants

My Wife Is Pregnant

A man spoke frantically (疯狂地）into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Reversal of Roles

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous.

Can you tell me and the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal （颠倒, 反转, 反向, 逆转）of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman..

Dead Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought for a moment and then asked, "Daddy, did God throw him back down?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups (打嗝）though, didn't it?"

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

The reservation clerk said: "Just a minute."

The blonde said; "Thank you" and hung up.

"Our" not "Your"

At a small parish (教区）in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs （地毯，小垫子）in the church were beginning to fray（磨损）. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge（树篱）needed to be trimmed（修剪）. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.

On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."

The man shrugged blankly.

Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife's measurements?"

The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large and in that order."

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.

On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."

"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap(膝盖）."

This wouldn't happen if spouses remembered the truth. Your wife is the boss and your husband is a dog. Problem solved.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

"Hey! Let me in," he shouted.

"I can't let you in because I'm in my nightgown(女睡衣） and mama says it isn't right for little boys to see little girls in their nightgowns!"

Her little brother thought about this for a moment, then turned to walk away, when Suzie called out from her room. "You can come in now! I took it off!"

A Christmas survey showed that men spend more time looking for gifts for their bosses than for their wives, but women spend more time shopping for their pets than their spouses.

This wouldn't happen if spouses remembered the truth. Your wife is the boss and your husband is a dog. Problem solved.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices (恶习）one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: shit. shit. shit.....

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.(双关语，刷涂两层）

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated(烦躁不安的）, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed（稍有点恼火；有点生气）, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A young girl was told she needed an X-ray. She went in and seemed especially nervous.

When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"

"Sure," said the girl. "It was great. I didn't even have to take my skin off!"

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

A businessman enters a tavern(酒馆, 客栈), sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A young doctor was just setting up his first office when his secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make a good first impression by having the man think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary to show the man in.

At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?"

To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your telephone."

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest （热情）for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous (冲动的, 猛烈的, 激烈的)things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

A college student wrote a letter home:

"Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

She says she is going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says he will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Porsche (保时捷跑车）parked out the front of the bank.

With the title and paper work all checked out, the bank agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.

The loan officer drives the new Porsche into the bank's underground garage and park's it there.

Two week's later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000's she loaned, and $15.40 interest that accumulated. The loan officer approaches the blonde and says "We here at the bank are very happy that this transaction has worked out, but while you were away, I checked you out, and I'm a little
puzzled. I found out that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles me is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks(美元）?"

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents(凹, 凹痕). She drove to the body shop (车身修理厂)and asked what she should do.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing（糕点上的糖衣，糖霜) on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes.

"Timmy， these are so good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer. His nephew replied, "I licked them."

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling （摇摆）her backside and walking off.

"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Errr... Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in WHOSE profession? Yours, or HERS?"

The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel."

Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security (社会保险）kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped （吱喳而鸣, 尖声地说）happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"